I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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