the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
