i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
