Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
