she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
