I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
