Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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