i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
