I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
