Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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