Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
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