3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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