I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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