My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
