okay pat passed out under dana's car
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
