I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Just high enough for therapy.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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