Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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