Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
