you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
