Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
