Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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