i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Randomize
