I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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