come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
