my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
it's great music for shaving your balls
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
