My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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