please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
