Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
