Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
