dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
