a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize