Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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