i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
