Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
