i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
