We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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