Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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