My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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