i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
