i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
