Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
