Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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