thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize