Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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