No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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