I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
