Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
