why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
