Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm like, not good at living.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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