Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
