You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
