I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
