My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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