Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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