You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
i think i just naturally attract stoners
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
