dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
you made out with another girl for some wings
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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