So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
