guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
