i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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